selfish people
by lotbe
Summary: They're so predictable that it hurts. / RevanBastila / Happy Birthday, NRSG!


They're sitting across from each other as his packed belongings wait by the door. Neither of them say anything.

He has to go. He never tells her that, and it's more for his sake than hers.

She knows, though. She always does.

"I'm leaving." He says it like it's a secret, but not really. The words feel like a sin on his tongue and he wonders at the bitterness in his mouth.

She stares at him with those piercing eyes, so grey he feels he might fall forever.

And she _knows. _And perhaps it's supposed to make things easier but his heart clenches and shatters still.

Perhaps if they were more selfish, he could've stayed. He could've spent the rest of his time with her and danced their last melody when the sky finally crashes down around them, and they would have been happy.

But she's Bastila and she's not selfish. And he's always been too scared not to fight, anyway. They're so predictable it hurts.

His pack and lightsabers sit by the door. Outside, grey clouds begin to gather and it looks like it's going to rain soon. He gets on his feet, feeling his legs shake with hesitation. His eyes leave hers and his hands grab onto his bag and in an instant he's in front of the door, thinking _everything's happening too fast _and _I'll love her forever._

But he doesn't make it out the door, because suddenly her hands are on his shoulders, urging him to turn around. And he does, because she's Bastila and he'd do all the things she wants him to without batting an eye.

She opens her mouth to say something, but the words are caught in her throat and suddenly he's staring into those eyes again (grey and deep and endless and he wishes he would fall forever but he can't).

"I'm leaving." He says it again, and it hurts, but he has to. Or else he might pretend to forget and come running back, again and again and again.

"I know."

He takes her hands in his and she lets him, squeezing lightly, like she doesn't want to let go. Like she isn't ready. God, they've had _so little time._

He kisses her, and it feels like falling in love for the first time.

Except this will be the last. He tries not to think about that (because he's Revan and he's predictable and so, so scared.)

"I love you," he says. "I'll love you forever." He means it. He wonders if she believes him.

"I love you, too." And it's things like this that keep him going, and it's also things like this that make him wish he's more selfish so he'd have the will to stay.

And that was that. She slips her hands out of his (because she's always been the stronger one) and he slings his pack over his shoulder and opens the door.

It's raining outside.

He walks out in the rain, which is quickly turning into a downpour. The water steams up when it lands on the hot pavement. He looks back, and the light's on in their house, and the door's still open and she's still there.

He looks back many times. Until he couldn't see any light and she isn't there anymore.

Once upon a time, he gave the girl he loves a ring. They made promises and he whispered them into her ear and none of them realized how empty those promises are until now.

And when he's slaughtering his way in a blood-stained world, he might think of the house with a white picket fence and a diamond ring and other things that he promised to give her but never did. And when he's trying to wrap up his wounds in a damp corner of a dungeon, he might try to feel through their bond to see if she's still thinking of him. And if she ends up having his son and actually believes it when he says he'll love her forever, he wouldn't know it.

And when he's defeated and dying, he might not be able to remember the details of her face, or the exact shade of her eyes anymore.

But when the light begins to dim in his eyes and he's finally dying, she will be all that he tries to remember.

ooo

_Dedicated to** NRSG** (whose current username is Litbe; you'll always be NRSG to me though.) Thank you for all the support you've given me all this time; you don't know how much I appreciate it. I'm glad I met you. I'm even glad for the fights we've had (because that's our thing.) And although you like Liara more than Ashley, I still love you._

_I wouldn't be here if not for you._

_Or maybe I would. But I wouldn't be nearly as happy._

_Have a wonderful birthday! (You better thank me for this.)_

_._

_A huge, huge thank to **SeraphSiren**, who helps revise this whole thing. I didn't really get to edit it much; life has been pretty hectic (with finals coming up, teachers are determined to cram every remaining lesson in our heads right before the exam. You know how it goes.) But I love, love you for helping me (and for being awesome.) Thank you so much!_

_._

_Disclaimer: I don't own KotOR._


End file.
